How Much?

How much for the newspaper?

How much for the milk?

How much for the hotel room?

... How much for the girl?

No, this is not about human trafficking. Although, in some ways, it is. You see, so often in life we cheapen and sell ourselves. We do so the most when it comes to love and careers.

In the workforce, we all to often compromise or kiss-up. We settle for whatever lowly position we think they'll offer us, rarely hoping for more. We'll pick up the first job we find (usually fast food) to pay for our college. We don't always think "Hey, you know what? I was making good money selling art and designing signs for companies. Why not pay my loans with that AND get my degree?". Likely it's because we think we're not able to do that kind of work and study at the same time, that it's too much. Or maybe we don't think we're worthy enough until we have a degree.

But the most mentally pervasive time in which we cop out is in our love lives.

Women are not the only ones who tend to think lowly of themselves in a relationship. Men often do as well. Both genders will repeatedly lower their value in their own minds until they can see themselves with almost anyone. At the same time, they will see themselves unworthy of anyone who appears to be of a higher class socially, in appearance, in attitude, or who just seems like a, for lack of a better word, good person.

And how much are you worth?

Faith tells us that we are worth the life and blood of the only son of God. Most parents tell us that we are worth their love and care and time and honor, that we are their joy (or in some cases, their obligation). As we grow and learn through experience, our measure of worth changes. Some raise the bar: they will think of themselves as average in worth, and strive to become more worthy. Some lower the bar: they were once lowly, and now they've reached a plane far above most, and thus will rarely bother to grow. Some will raise others far above themselves and exist only to grovel for what wealth or love there appears to be for them.

And then there's the times we lie to ourselves. We speak aloud highly of our worth, but in secret we are merely the germs between your toes. We will present ourselves as dignitaries, yet enslave ourselves to anyone; always keeping up the facade. But, the thing is, no matter which of these groups you see yourself as, you are subconsciously only goods to be sold to another human.

In this society of "Do as you wish", we are only trafficking ourselves. Pimping our bodies and our futures to whoever will take it. If everyone is the same, equal, then what is our worth?

What is he/she worth?

We never really stop to think about it. We're so busy thinking of our own worth. It's even worse in relationships. We give to our partners according to our worth, but think of ourselves as worthless. It's a cycle of destruction in which we leave our conscience at the door, sacrifice our bodies on the altar of the bed, and gather our things on our way out. All because we think we're worth nothing more to our partner.

But if we just thought a little better of our worth, could that change things? Maybe we can ask ourselves what they're worth to us, and then stand to hold off the 'sale'. Is he/she worth what I have to offer? Like in business, it isn't wise to give a product to someone unless they have something of equal or greater value to trade.

I really had to face that question in November of 2011. "Is he worth what I have to offer?", I asked myself as things got heated. But I had lowered my own worth and wouldn't look past it. Instead I weighed whether he could be a good dad one day, or how I could ever satisfy him and his endless appetite. I based my desires and decisions on whether the family approved of him: fully aware that they did not and would not know what we had given upon the 'altar'.

And after a far too close call, I realized some things. Some of them I still can't seem to grasp, but for sanity's sake hope that I do soon:

1. The bed was never the altar. My body is the temple; my heart is the altar. That is to say: my body is sacred, but my heart is where the business is done. Your body is a quick, easy, and cheap transaction, but the heart never dies and will always remain in a safe-deposit-box somewhere.
2. I can give my heart to any one and any thing. Giving my heart to your heart would have been a much stronger bond than when I gave my body to yours...
3. And yet, the body has a way of tricking the heart into desiring something it hadn't before. (yeah, guys, you have a slight excuse for your addictions. I understand now.)
4. Indeed, he was not worth what I have. He did not respect, love, or honor what I gave, even (like the others) when I said 'stop'. Men and Women: Manipulation is an awful offense, and the greatest form of disrespect. Do not push each other for what you want, especially if it's something one or both of you are not ready for.
5. He is also a victim. Although I was his and the others' victim, they were all victims of their own 'demons'. They were victimized by lust, pornography, and their own chemical and hormonal brains, and as many victims do, they grew to love their captors. After that, they couldn't stop.

So how much are you worth? What is he/she worth to you? Is it wise to give your heart to someone who will only give their body in return? Think about that before you sell yourself.

Lastly, I have something to say to both men and women.

Men: Attraction is quite the bitch. Don't mistake attraction for love. And I know you're turned on by the slightest things, but don't use those moments alone with someone as an opportunity to fulfill your desires. Don't manipulate people, and don't allow yourselves to BE manipulated. Realize your worth, that you deserve someone who will respect you, love you, praise you for your deeds, and thank you for your love. Look for a partner, an equal that you can game with, match wits with, and love with, not just a toy. She is your princess, and you are the prince. You are the artist, she is the model of your masterpiece.

Women: Don't emasculate your man, or manipulate him. He is not your toy or experiment, he is not something to be 'changed' or 'house-trained', and don't look for someone just to be those things. Be playful, flirt a little, but don't be a seductress... that only gets you BOTH into trouble. And do not, please, do not be a drama queen. Everyone hates that. Discuss things like the adult you are with your partner, not behind their back (yes, even I have done this). There is nothing wrong with the counsel of wise people, but refrain from the common "He just doesn't get me. I'm pissed. He forgot flowers on our date." kind of crap. It's childish and pointless. State concerns calmly, asking mainly for courage to discuss those concerns with your partner. Don't say things in a way in which the only response is, "I think you should dump him" for everything. He is king, you are queen, treat each other as such. He is like your cushion, but only because he knows you are fragile and takes care not to break you, not because you like to sit on him.

When You're Shaken and Running

    We all run from things in our life. We all fear circumstances, or the inevitability of downfall. Few of us trust, and if we do, we do so with much trepidation. Our society has taught us to fear. Our circumstances, memories, and present affairs teach us to trust no one. We're a people controlled by fear, from the highest authorities, down to each individual decision.

     But the minute, smallest, individual decisions, and even the big ones, are what really drives us. Sometimes in the right direction, but many times to our destruction.

     Who we choose to trust. Who we love. What we dream, or goals we set; our achievements, or just wherever in the workforce we end up. What information we trust our loved ones with, if any at all. We all struggle with these decisions, and why?

    Fear. Our enemy, and the thing we've come to hold closest to our hearts. It binds us, controls us, like puppets. Marionettes hung from the hands of a dark shadow. Because of it, we run away from our callings rather than running TO them. It tells us that our talents will never provide for our needs. That the people we care about might not care for us. It brings up traumas from our past and tells us "He'll only do the same to you as that last person".

    Worst of all: It freezes our faith. Puts us in a cryogenic state where we're alive, but can't do anything. We can't trust people, we can't let God be God, we can't move forward or backward. And it pushes us to make stupid decisions that pull us farther from everyone and everything we care for.

     I've spent my time running, shaken, fearful of everything I loved. I barely had the courage to give the message to the ones I was supposed to. And when one man told me that I had no faith because I didn't go to Seminary, and therefore no right to speak, I was not only kicked out of that youth group, but I ran away from my friends, and the one person I really loved.

     It's been over a year. I still seem to run, because I'm afraid. I need to go back, I must go back, and finish what I needed to do in the first place. I fear what they think of me, all those I left behind. Do they feel betrayed? Most importantly, does he feel betrayed? He's the one I ran from most. I run from love more than anything, especially now. I'm afraid. That's all I can keep saying, because I know nothing else to do. I hurt him, more than anyone there. And now I want to make things right.

  But, of course, fear is preventing such action.

    Why is it that fear seems the most comforting thing when we're shaken and running? Is it that we don't have to take action when we confide in fear? Is it just a good excuse, or a terrible roadblock? Does it make things clearer, or only create a warped perception of what's really going on?

     So what will it take to break away from this "comfort" zone? It's so easy to fall back into. It starts when you finally LISTEN to the encouragement your friends bestow. That may be the hardest thing for many of us to do. I know it is for me. But this is where you need to start, where I need to start. From here, it's rocky. Fear does not like to let you go. It's always a struggle, but it's one you MUST win, or forever hold your unrest.

Don't Look Back

"You dream of sharing your heart. Instead you share your bed.

And your heart beats empty and cold with all the tears you have shed."

                                                                       -Dustin Kensrue I Knew You Before



Remember back when I wrote about rape, and the societal and emotional consequences?

I'm talking about those emotions. Those questions that victims ask themselves, or think about. I am trash. No one can take me after this. What did I do? Why?

What happens when you force yourself to go through with it? You break down to the point where you don't care, even with your heart screaming. Why? Because you, no matter how small the thread, are truly desperate for someone to be close, to love you. No matter how strong you are, how many times you tell yourself "Don't do it", it seems like you're not strong enough. Are we preconditioned? Is it family, friends, media?

This is what I'm facing. You see, in some ways, through experience in school and at home, I am preconditioned not to make a scene, whatever that scene may be, because no one's going to help you anyway. My childhood taught me to take caution in trusting even the closest friends. My last 5 years have taught me that even my own father can break my heart in the deepest ways. I learned from ancient literature, combined with personal experience (you really do learn from your mistakes) what the wisest choices to make are. Or, at least, I learned how to handle different situations. I spent most of my life buried in pages.

From the outside, and sometimes the inside, my family was unbroken, happy, well; yet I lived as one who lived with a single mom, or a broken home. I had few friends, and many of them turned and stabbed me in the back. I was repeatedly raped and molested when I was four by my own babysitter (a woman). I told no one then, I tell few now. My classmates, even my friends, spat on me, threw rocks at me, called me names like "cyclops" and "spit wad". Even in high school many friends ostracized me, and others threw food at me.

And then...

Two young men befriended me about two and a half years ago. They began my healing. They undid most, if not all, of the distrust I harbored. They taught me to open up, to trust people, yet be careful with my heart and not give it away on a whim. The three of us shared all our secrets, our burdens, and what wisdom we had to offer. They taught me the meaning of true love, and all the various forms (brothers, friends, lovers, or even strangers). I carried many burdens, and out of love for someone they barely knew and had never seen, they carried them with me. I learned that it's okay to let others carry my burdens with me; I didn't have to carry them alone, couldn't carry them alone. Because of them, I grew to have a capacity for real Christ-like love that seemed beyond human comprehension (and still seems so at times).

Then, last summer, I went on my first date. Read back about three posts, and you'll know all about that. It didn't work out, but he had solidified all I learned. All that those two young men taught me was no longer just a concept and way of life we shared alone, but was now something I could share with others.

But then something happened to me. It was a sudden vacuous emptiness, threatening to make my heart implode in on itself. I handled it well at first, until my strength and resolve began to weaken. For some reason, I no longer had a support system. The group of friends I had, and loved, dwindled down to one. I was truly lost. If there was a path I needed to take, I couldn't find it. Some of it wasn't even my own emptiness, and it would seem that God is doing this for a reason. I wasn't going through it alone, even though I couldn't talk to him.

On Halloween (just four months ago) I decided to go with my grandparents to their church's costume party. I avoided everyone, and a few avoided me. But I caught the eye of one person. A young man, who thought at first that I was weird, but introduced me to everyone anyway. He told me he liked me, and later that he loved me. A couple weeks later, he asked if I would date him, and I said "okay". What harm, right? The last guy didn't try anything stupid, what makes me think this shy nerd will? Especially since he understood that I was still getting over the last guy, right?

Right? But no. It didn't take long before every phone call got dirtier and dirtier. The first walk we went on, he french kissed me, and later we "made out" (I didn't want it to turn into that. I apparently set him off and didn't realize it until 5 min. later). I was in shock for a week, and I told him we can't do that, and he agreed. But that didn't stop it. It became a game, I became free range. And it only got worse. I wasn't strong enough to keep him off me, or, a few times, to keep off him. And when I was strong enough to say no, he broke me down, guilted me, until it just didn't matter. I just became numb, which was yet another mechanism I gained in early childhood. No one could help. Until, after two months, I broke up with him.

It's taken my whole life, and I'm still learning some difficult lessons. I now have a church, a truly good and alive one, and some pretty good friends, but there's a lot I've lost. Whatever shred of innocence I had left has been broken down and taken away over the last year. Yet, I'm still here, I'm still me. Somehow I've managed, even alone. But I still have Jehovah Elyon. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here.

It all makes me wonder. They say you should never look back; "Don't play with the past". Why? Because you feel pain when you do? Without pain there is no growth, and without a past there is no future. Inevitably, you only relive your past when you ignore it. There's a reason we all go through what we go through. I hope it is a lesson we can all learn one day.

A Touch of Trust

What is faith?

Is it merely letting go, and letting God? Or is it trust in something we can't see, feel, or hear, that might not be there?

As I walk in the wilderness, pondering the paths of my heart and mind, wondering where it all is leading, I sometimes lose sight of what matters. I'm not the only one. To doubt, to err, to question, is human. It's not a bad thing, this wandering.

A friend and mentor of mine once told me, as I was telling him of my wilderness, "It's not a bad place to be". Of course, my first reaction was, "What do you know? I'm so freaking lost". I didn't understand, I didn't trust his wisdom, and I was quickly losing faith in every one and every thing. I was focused on nothing, and everything. Shifting that focus from myself, to the problems around me, back to myself, then letting the numb settle in.

It would seem even this has a root in fear, because when it came right down to it, I was doing this all in fear of pain. Am still doing this all in fear of pain.

Yet this small voice constantly rings out... Trust me.

Is it really that simple? Is this the root of faith; the thing I've been lacking this whole time, causing me to squander my hope, and bury my emotion? Something so simple for something so complicated... it seems absurd. I want to, dearly want to, but fear won't allow it.

Trust me.

That is faith, isn't it? Whether it's in God, or a friend, it's as simple as a touch of trust, and a shift of focus. It is refocusing on what your circumstances are shaping you into, and trusting God and those around you to keep you moving forward.

This is a test we all face... sometimes weekly. We have to have a touch of trust, lest we turn ourselves into hermits. It is not something inherited, nor something necessarily gained from experience. Experience builds your intuition, shapes your body, brings knowledge or understanding... but it won't always build trust. Trust begins in the heart. That deep place just beyond your mind, where emotions swirl in a tempest, and ties connect. Trust is built when you quiet that place, release pent up emotion, examine the ties between you and people and events, and cut the ties that bind you to harmful things. Of course, that's only a start.

From there, you must slowly reintegrate back into the relationships you pulled away from. Especially those that encouraged you, like friends and family. Then, the hardest step: slowly open up to them. Hiding does not build trust, it only damages you and the ones who love you. From here you will grow stronger. There's always going to be fall-outs, pain, loss of trust; but you must not be afraid to face that. Learn from all you go through. Be merciful, honorable, trustworthy, forgiving, yet wise, strong, stable, and teachable.

It is a hard task, to trust. But it is a step in the right direction.

Inhumanity

One month into the new year.  It's a rocky start, it always is.  The journey is always rocky, rough, painful, and exhausting.  But it's for the good, for the joyful outcome, isn't it?  Shouldn't it be?  And I've learned one thing about myself this year:
   I'm a hypocrite who drowns in her fears.

My greatest fears have come to light in the last few months, the darkest parts of my mind and my heart.  The darkest things of my childhood have reared their ugly heads once again.  The pain, insecurity, alienation, inhumanity of myself.  Yes, I said "inhumanity".  What is the determining factor of one's humanity?  Is it acceptance by other humans, to have breath and beating hearts, to feel love and all the emotions animals cannot?  Is it our ability to trust, to have faith?  What makes one human?

These questions drown me.  I feel such doubt, insecurity, and hatred in my "humanity".  Yet, I'm not animal, and I cannot yet be spirit (for I still have a physical body).  So what am I supposed to be?


How can one overcome their fears when there is no one who is willing to help them?  When there's no one who understands?  People all too often look at these problems from a Humanist standpoint, where there is only the physical.  I can assure you, I've passed every mental examination thrown at me with flying colors (and where did that saying come from?).  Or, I get the Pastoral answer of "You're just not reading your Bible enough", "Have you thought about medication? Are you certain of your salvation?", or "Maybe you should see a psychiatrist or counselor"... and the cycle starts all over again.  Well, I've got news for you church folk, I am ABSOLUTELY certain of my salvation.  God is my father, friend, mentor, and has ALWAYS been there for me, no matter how far I've sunk.

"So why are you still so afraid, so insecure and uncertain, so hurt?"  I ask myself the same question, over and over, and I get nowhere.  There is much still hidden, much I cannot remember, that have left deep wounds.  There is much still unresolved from my past, and I still have many fears I must tackle.  Maybe, when I have resolved some of these fears, I will post here again, with a new-found perspective.  Until then.

The Self

Okay, so, probably expecting something more on the last post.  I don't have anything.  I've got something different this time.

The Self.

How often do we fear ourselves?  Do we fear the decisions we make?  How often do we allow our minds to belittle ourselves, and then believe it?  This is where this fear lies.  Some people would call it low self-esteem.  A lot of this ties in with bullying and the aftermath.  Let's look at what self-esteem is.

Self-esteem: n.- a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.

How does this fit?  When we begin to doubt ourselves, to fear ourselves, we lose our self-respect... and if this goes on for a long period of time, it leads to a deeper fear, you'll begin to fear other things.  This can lead to suicide, depression, general insecurity, and sometimes even physical illness.  It's an unending chain that leads either to death, or just darker places and greater fear, unless you do something about it.

How does one fear himself?  It's really more of a deep-seated doubt of one's own abilities, but when you get right down to it, doubt is a type of fear.  Hmm... how to explain this.  Ah, okay:  the last time I entered a talent show, I was about 8 or 9, I sang "Stand" by Rebecca St. James.  I nearly froze before it was time to go on stage.  I had practiced for weeks, but I really doubted I was any good, and I began to fear my peers and the judges.  Long story short, I made the judges and half the parents in the room cry and give a standing ovation because of the patriotic message of the song, but I didn't even place... I was the last one to be called up to receive a "participant" ribbon, and by that time I was already waiting in the car, crying.  I almost stopped singing for a while, I feared that I was so terrible that a bad clap-and-dance routine of a Britney Spears song could place first, and I barely got a "participant" ribbon.  And that doubt, that fear, only got worse when the pee-wee football team captain and his friends beat me up because I was singing around the playground.

There's other ways one can fear himself, these ones more obvious.  For example: someone is bi-polar or has a split personality, and at some point realizes what is going on, but it's only after he's hurt someone.  After he's hurt someone, emotionally or physically, he may cry, maybe hide or lock himself in a room, because he's afraid of being hated or afraid that he may at any moment hurt them again.

 Much of the time, this fear is subtle.  It can start as a question, turn into doubt, then anxiety, and then bloom like a Rafflesia (only it will stay there unless you deal with it).  And like the Rafflesia, it can be hard to find until it has already bloomed, and then you don't have long.  Fear and doubt are things that you must deal with quickly, else they will become something much more difficult to overcome.  One thing you must not do is build walls around you.  This is not something one can deal with on their own, and it will only get worse if you wall yourself up away from people.

A Question (just because it came up)

The other day, I was just chilling out and thinking.  A little poem came to my mind. (warning: possibly graphic)

Lift the veil and see your bride.
Unless you can't, unless you're blind.
You see she's pale, pale as death.
Do you know this girl you're with?
Her kiss is cold, her touch is weak,
Her hand clammy on your cheek.
Is this really love to you?
Can you tell her words are true?


Do you even know her?


She'll touch your flesh, she'll steal your soul.
You bite your lip, feel your stomach roll.
You want her flesh, you lose control.
You will reap what you have sown.
O her heart, you don't care,
You just want to feel her hair.
And her face, you've barely seen.
Too distracted when bodies lean.


You don't even know her.


You feel a chill down your spine.
What have you done this time?
Yet you move right along
Hoping touch will bring a song.
But your empty heart still cries,
Overcome by sounding sighs.
Listen now, you might just hear
The muffled cry of conscience near.


You don't even know her.

Here's the question: Do you even know her?  All too often we jump right in, shutting off our minds, shutting up our hearts and our conscience, and "let our hands do the talking".  We're a society of "just do it".  Who cares about the guilt?  What guilt?  You have nothing to be guilty of.  Oh sure, so you got her pregnant... just have an abortion, it's no big deal.  WRONG.

Can't add much more, the poem really says it all.  Let's face it, there's a lot more than biology at work here, that's all I can really say at this time.  We'll get into it more later, look at the battle behind the scenes, the psychology.  I think this will end up being a lot less off-topic than it seems.

Insecurity

Insecurity is something most, if not all, feel at some point in life.  Some feel it for much longer than a moment, a week, a day.  This is something I know deeply.  Insecurity, like fear itself, encompasses many things.  It can be caused by many things, and can cause shyness and a general uneasiness with life.  It would seem, this particular state of mind and soul mingles with my last post.  Fear of touch, of people, etc.  In all reality, anything and everything I post here will simply come back to fear, but I like to explore different facets.

Let's look at the causes of insecurity.  One cause could be violence in the home.  A girl could be abused by her dad or a boy abused by his mom, causing an insecurity, an uneasiness around people of the opposite sex.  Another cause could be bullying.  A child is mentally and physically abused by their peers, or even their teachers.  Maybe the main cause is simply: rejection.

Now the effect.  Anxiety, uneasiness, shyness, literally crawling into corners, avoiding eye contact.  Some insecure people even (as we've all known) resort to bullying to cope; it's almost as if they're taking vengeance on their past.  Some crawl into the arms of a lover in the hope of finding some essence of security, stability, love.  Some bury themselves in work.  Others bury themselves in partying.  It's actually quite interesting what the effects are, and how many there are.  Some surround themselves with friends, or at least try; always looking for acceptance.  Maybe the main effect is simply: a longing for acceptance.

Makes you wonder.  Maybe that's the problem in society.  It's a vicious cycle.  We become insecure, then we either abuse or avoid, and all it does is cause others' insecurity.  Psychologically, it causes a nearly insurmountable battle in the individual mind, causes questions that are nearly unanswerable.

Yes, let's look there.  The mind, the heart, the soul (they're all interconnected).  The battle that ensues consumes, truly.  You ask yourself who you are, what you are, what you want to be, the price of who you've become in order to cope.  You start to beg for stability, for answers.

You look in all the wrong places.

Of course, I cannot tell you those answers, you must find those on your own.  I can tell you this: those answers lie neither within nor in the arms of a lover.  You must search, learn from mistakes, keep asking those questions; it will not be instantaneous.  It will take time.  Trust me, it's painful, but answers will come.  Don't forget to pray.  Whether you believe it or not, it is a powerful thing, and you are heard. 

A Look: Fear, Rape, and Society

Fear. It's interesting how broad fear is. It seems it seeps into every corner and crease of every mind in some way. Fear of spiders, of touch, heights... fearing the possibility of an event... fearing what others may say about you... fearing your appearance is not perfect. There could be the fear that lingers after a traumatizing event.

We can even be afraid of what we see in people.

Let me explain: Have you ever talked to the victim of, oh, let's say rape? You ever noticed that ever so slight, hidden fear? You see this person, someone who could not control the situation, someone who has had her innocence stolen... you focus on all these factors. You now seem to see this person as dirty, as guilty. You may seem even "grossed out". Yes, this is fear. You are afraid of what you see. You look down on her, you may even see her as worthless, you ostracize her.

I am getting somewhere.

Now let's look at the situation from the eyes of the victim. The one thing she has feared has happened. Now she fears something new: how people see her. Let us say she is now pregnant. Now let us say she wants to keep the baby (I have a point here). Now, even more fears arise: Do I really want the baby? What will my friends think of me? Is there something wrong with me? Could anyone love me? How could anyone love me after this? Now doubt steps in, then depression. She sees how people look down on her, and especially her baby. It is too late to turn back, the baby will be coming soon. It seems to her that everyone has abandoned her. She keeps the baby not as a reminder of what happened, but because she is alone and only wants something to love and to love her back.

Back to society. Now, we should go to her, hold her, comfort her, tell her it is not her fault. We should go after the man who stole her innocence, her maidenhead. We should encourage her to keep the child, and then take up the child as a gift, as a new addition to society. But what do we do? We look at her as damaged goods. We look at her baby as garbage, based on the fact that half of the unborn child's DNA comes from the rapist. It's not like the child will definitely become a murderer or rapist because of some "genetic inclination"! As long as the child is loved and is raised in a good family, there really should be no problem there. We give her dirty looks. We do nothing less than throw her away. Why?

That is always what it comes down to, is it not? Why? The big question. This brings me back to my first point. Fear. It is easy to understand the fear of rape... but why is it we seem to fear the victim? She didn't do anything wrong, she could not control what was happening, she fought, but could not overcome her attacker. Simple it seems, but sadly never is. And why do we seem to fear the unborn child that may come of it? For some, it is because of genetics, that "genetic inclination" mentioned earlier. Rape is not a gene, it is an action, and to call it anything else merely excuses the one who has committed the action. Look at it this way: why excuse a man who has stolen the self-esteem, confidence, hope, joy, virginity, even beauty of a young woman? To say he could not control it because of some "gene" is to excuse him of destroying and tormenting an innocent person. There is no excuse for such an act. There is certainly no excuse for the way society treats such an event. Throw away the victim, excuse the violator? I think not.

I strongly suggest that we all rethink, re-prioritize, and take a second look at the way we handle such situations.

Christians and violent novels

I find it interesting that so many Christians shy away from violence. Face it, life is violent, the Bible is very violent and bloody... maybe even more so than any of Frank Peretti's or Ted Dekker's novels (in Monster, for example, a guy was torn limb from limb). I don't know, maybe that's exactly why Christians shy away from it... they want a break from the violence... maybe they think it's wrong to put anything violent into their minds. I don't know the answer... every mind and every heart is different.

Here's a question, because my mind just brought it up: Are we afraid of our own hearts? Maybe that is it. Maybe some people are afraid that if they read of or see anything violent, it will pour into their hearts or it will bring out the violence or fear already lurking there.

Maybe I just don't understand it... for my mind is numb to violence and fear. It no longer bothers me, at least in what I read and watch. Certainly, I would not fill my mind with something like Doomsday (a movie my parents watched alone one night, while we were asleep, which they said contained some gruesomely realistic cannibalistic scenes), that, I'd have to say, probably would bother me. Let me explain: Has any one of you stared Fear in the eyes (literally, the spirit of Fear)? Has any one here looked into a person's eyes and saw murder and bloodthirst? Maybe someone here has. I have. Many times.

Violence and fear are a part of everyday life. We should not fear it or shy from it. We should stare it down and scream at it, "You will not take me!"!! We certainly should not partake in it, but neither should we fear it every step of the way. If you continually fear and avoid violence and Fear, you will find it hunting you down, and overtaking you... I know, trust me.

I notice all the Christians fretting over Ted Dekker's mainstream novel, BoneMan's Daughters... I find it trivial and wasteful. It's a fictional character! I know he's evil, but don't waste your time!! Focus all that passion and energy into something REAL! As Christians, we need to get out, we need to speak against real violence: speak out against abusive households, against abortion (God mourns so much over what we have done to his children!), against slavery of every sort, against back-stabbing... don't waste your time over a piece of fiction!

Note: I understand I said "against abortion"... I know it's not completely PC, but I am not here to offend nor please anyone. I am here to state my thoughts on the Christian views of fear and violence, not to argue over abortion. So move your thoughts on abortion to a different blog if you want to talk about it. Thank you for your time and patience.