When You're Shaken and Running

    We all run from things in our life. We all fear circumstances, or the inevitability of downfall. Few of us trust, and if we do, we do so with much trepidation. Our society has taught us to fear. Our circumstances, memories, and present affairs teach us to trust no one. We're a people controlled by fear, from the highest authorities, down to each individual decision.

     But the minute, smallest, individual decisions, and even the big ones, are what really drives us. Sometimes in the right direction, but many times to our destruction.

     Who we choose to trust. Who we love. What we dream, or goals we set; our achievements, or just wherever in the workforce we end up. What information we trust our loved ones with, if any at all. We all struggle with these decisions, and why?

    Fear. Our enemy, and the thing we've come to hold closest to our hearts. It binds us, controls us, like puppets. Marionettes hung from the hands of a dark shadow. Because of it, we run away from our callings rather than running TO them. It tells us that our talents will never provide for our needs. That the people we care about might not care for us. It brings up traumas from our past and tells us "He'll only do the same to you as that last person".

    Worst of all: It freezes our faith. Puts us in a cryogenic state where we're alive, but can't do anything. We can't trust people, we can't let God be God, we can't move forward or backward. And it pushes us to make stupid decisions that pull us farther from everyone and everything we care for.

     I've spent my time running, shaken, fearful of everything I loved. I barely had the courage to give the message to the ones I was supposed to. And when one man told me that I had no faith because I didn't go to Seminary, and therefore no right to speak, I was not only kicked out of that youth group, but I ran away from my friends, and the one person I really loved.

     It's been over a year. I still seem to run, because I'm afraid. I need to go back, I must go back, and finish what I needed to do in the first place. I fear what they think of me, all those I left behind. Do they feel betrayed? Most importantly, does he feel betrayed? He's the one I ran from most. I run from love more than anything, especially now. I'm afraid. That's all I can keep saying, because I know nothing else to do. I hurt him, more than anyone there. And now I want to make things right.

  But, of course, fear is preventing such action.

    Why is it that fear seems the most comforting thing when we're shaken and running? Is it that we don't have to take action when we confide in fear? Is it just a good excuse, or a terrible roadblock? Does it make things clearer, or only create a warped perception of what's really going on?

     So what will it take to break away from this "comfort" zone? It's so easy to fall back into. It starts when you finally LISTEN to the encouragement your friends bestow. That may be the hardest thing for many of us to do. I know it is for me. But this is where you need to start, where I need to start. From here, it's rocky. Fear does not like to let you go. It's always a struggle, but it's one you MUST win, or forever hold your unrest.

A Touch of Trust

What is faith?

Is it merely letting go, and letting God? Or is it trust in something we can't see, feel, or hear, that might not be there?

As I walk in the wilderness, pondering the paths of my heart and mind, wondering where it all is leading, I sometimes lose sight of what matters. I'm not the only one. To doubt, to err, to question, is human. It's not a bad thing, this wandering.

A friend and mentor of mine once told me, as I was telling him of my wilderness, "It's not a bad place to be". Of course, my first reaction was, "What do you know? I'm so freaking lost". I didn't understand, I didn't trust his wisdom, and I was quickly losing faith in every one and every thing. I was focused on nothing, and everything. Shifting that focus from myself, to the problems around me, back to myself, then letting the numb settle in.

It would seem even this has a root in fear, because when it came right down to it, I was doing this all in fear of pain. Am still doing this all in fear of pain.

Yet this small voice constantly rings out... Trust me.

Is it really that simple? Is this the root of faith; the thing I've been lacking this whole time, causing me to squander my hope, and bury my emotion? Something so simple for something so complicated... it seems absurd. I want to, dearly want to, but fear won't allow it.

Trust me.

That is faith, isn't it? Whether it's in God, or a friend, it's as simple as a touch of trust, and a shift of focus. It is refocusing on what your circumstances are shaping you into, and trusting God and those around you to keep you moving forward.

This is a test we all face... sometimes weekly. We have to have a touch of trust, lest we turn ourselves into hermits. It is not something inherited, nor something necessarily gained from experience. Experience builds your intuition, shapes your body, brings knowledge or understanding... but it won't always build trust. Trust begins in the heart. That deep place just beyond your mind, where emotions swirl in a tempest, and ties connect. Trust is built when you quiet that place, release pent up emotion, examine the ties between you and people and events, and cut the ties that bind you to harmful things. Of course, that's only a start.

From there, you must slowly reintegrate back into the relationships you pulled away from. Especially those that encouraged you, like friends and family. Then, the hardest step: slowly open up to them. Hiding does not build trust, it only damages you and the ones who love you. From here you will grow stronger. There's always going to be fall-outs, pain, loss of trust; but you must not be afraid to face that. Learn from all you go through. Be merciful, honorable, trustworthy, forgiving, yet wise, strong, stable, and teachable.

It is a hard task, to trust. But it is a step in the right direction.

Insecurity

Insecurity is something most, if not all, feel at some point in life.  Some feel it for much longer than a moment, a week, a day.  This is something I know deeply.  Insecurity, like fear itself, encompasses many things.  It can be caused by many things, and can cause shyness and a general uneasiness with life.  It would seem, this particular state of mind and soul mingles with my last post.  Fear of touch, of people, etc.  In all reality, anything and everything I post here will simply come back to fear, but I like to explore different facets.

Let's look at the causes of insecurity.  One cause could be violence in the home.  A girl could be abused by her dad or a boy abused by his mom, causing an insecurity, an uneasiness around people of the opposite sex.  Another cause could be bullying.  A child is mentally and physically abused by their peers, or even their teachers.  Maybe the main cause is simply: rejection.

Now the effect.  Anxiety, uneasiness, shyness, literally crawling into corners, avoiding eye contact.  Some insecure people even (as we've all known) resort to bullying to cope; it's almost as if they're taking vengeance on their past.  Some crawl into the arms of a lover in the hope of finding some essence of security, stability, love.  Some bury themselves in work.  Others bury themselves in partying.  It's actually quite interesting what the effects are, and how many there are.  Some surround themselves with friends, or at least try; always looking for acceptance.  Maybe the main effect is simply: a longing for acceptance.

Makes you wonder.  Maybe that's the problem in society.  It's a vicious cycle.  We become insecure, then we either abuse or avoid, and all it does is cause others' insecurity.  Psychologically, it causes a nearly insurmountable battle in the individual mind, causes questions that are nearly unanswerable.

Yes, let's look there.  The mind, the heart, the soul (they're all interconnected).  The battle that ensues consumes, truly.  You ask yourself who you are, what you are, what you want to be, the price of who you've become in order to cope.  You start to beg for stability, for answers.

You look in all the wrong places.

Of course, I cannot tell you those answers, you must find those on your own.  I can tell you this: those answers lie neither within nor in the arms of a lover.  You must search, learn from mistakes, keep asking those questions; it will not be instantaneous.  It will take time.  Trust me, it's painful, but answers will come.  Don't forget to pray.  Whether you believe it or not, it is a powerful thing, and you are heard. 

A Look: Fear, Rape, and Society

Fear. It's interesting how broad fear is. It seems it seeps into every corner and crease of every mind in some way. Fear of spiders, of touch, heights... fearing the possibility of an event... fearing what others may say about you... fearing your appearance is not perfect. There could be the fear that lingers after a traumatizing event.

We can even be afraid of what we see in people.

Let me explain: Have you ever talked to the victim of, oh, let's say rape? You ever noticed that ever so slight, hidden fear? You see this person, someone who could not control the situation, someone who has had her innocence stolen... you focus on all these factors. You now seem to see this person as dirty, as guilty. You may seem even "grossed out". Yes, this is fear. You are afraid of what you see. You look down on her, you may even see her as worthless, you ostracize her.

I am getting somewhere.

Now let's look at the situation from the eyes of the victim. The one thing she has feared has happened. Now she fears something new: how people see her. Let us say she is now pregnant. Now let us say she wants to keep the baby (I have a point here). Now, even more fears arise: Do I really want the baby? What will my friends think of me? Is there something wrong with me? Could anyone love me? How could anyone love me after this? Now doubt steps in, then depression. She sees how people look down on her, and especially her baby. It is too late to turn back, the baby will be coming soon. It seems to her that everyone has abandoned her. She keeps the baby not as a reminder of what happened, but because she is alone and only wants something to love and to love her back.

Back to society. Now, we should go to her, hold her, comfort her, tell her it is not her fault. We should go after the man who stole her innocence, her maidenhead. We should encourage her to keep the child, and then take up the child as a gift, as a new addition to society. But what do we do? We look at her as damaged goods. We look at her baby as garbage, based on the fact that half of the unborn child's DNA comes from the rapist. It's not like the child will definitely become a murderer or rapist because of some "genetic inclination"! As long as the child is loved and is raised in a good family, there really should be no problem there. We give her dirty looks. We do nothing less than throw her away. Why?

That is always what it comes down to, is it not? Why? The big question. This brings me back to my first point. Fear. It is easy to understand the fear of rape... but why is it we seem to fear the victim? She didn't do anything wrong, she could not control what was happening, she fought, but could not overcome her attacker. Simple it seems, but sadly never is. And why do we seem to fear the unborn child that may come of it? For some, it is because of genetics, that "genetic inclination" mentioned earlier. Rape is not a gene, it is an action, and to call it anything else merely excuses the one who has committed the action. Look at it this way: why excuse a man who has stolen the self-esteem, confidence, hope, joy, virginity, even beauty of a young woman? To say he could not control it because of some "gene" is to excuse him of destroying and tormenting an innocent person. There is no excuse for such an act. There is certainly no excuse for the way society treats such an event. Throw away the victim, excuse the violator? I think not.

I strongly suggest that we all rethink, re-prioritize, and take a second look at the way we handle such situations.

Christians and violent novels

I find it interesting that so many Christians shy away from violence. Face it, life is violent, the Bible is very violent and bloody... maybe even more so than any of Frank Peretti's or Ted Dekker's novels (in Monster, for example, a guy was torn limb from limb). I don't know, maybe that's exactly why Christians shy away from it... they want a break from the violence... maybe they think it's wrong to put anything violent into their minds. I don't know the answer... every mind and every heart is different.

Here's a question, because my mind just brought it up: Are we afraid of our own hearts? Maybe that is it. Maybe some people are afraid that if they read of or see anything violent, it will pour into their hearts or it will bring out the violence or fear already lurking there.

Maybe I just don't understand it... for my mind is numb to violence and fear. It no longer bothers me, at least in what I read and watch. Certainly, I would not fill my mind with something like Doomsday (a movie my parents watched alone one night, while we were asleep, which they said contained some gruesomely realistic cannibalistic scenes), that, I'd have to say, probably would bother me. Let me explain: Has any one of you stared Fear in the eyes (literally, the spirit of Fear)? Has any one here looked into a person's eyes and saw murder and bloodthirst? Maybe someone here has. I have. Many times.

Violence and fear are a part of everyday life. We should not fear it or shy from it. We should stare it down and scream at it, "You will not take me!"!! We certainly should not partake in it, but neither should we fear it every step of the way. If you continually fear and avoid violence and Fear, you will find it hunting you down, and overtaking you... I know, trust me.

I notice all the Christians fretting over Ted Dekker's mainstream novel, BoneMan's Daughters... I find it trivial and wasteful. It's a fictional character! I know he's evil, but don't waste your time!! Focus all that passion and energy into something REAL! As Christians, we need to get out, we need to speak against real violence: speak out against abusive households, against abortion (God mourns so much over what we have done to his children!), against slavery of every sort, against back-stabbing... don't waste your time over a piece of fiction!

Note: I understand I said "against abortion"... I know it's not completely PC, but I am not here to offend nor please anyone. I am here to state my thoughts on the Christian views of fear and violence, not to argue over abortion. So move your thoughts on abortion to a different blog if you want to talk about it. Thank you for your time and patience.