One month into the new year. It's a rocky start, it always is. The journey is always rocky, rough, painful, and exhausting. But it's for the good, for the joyful outcome, isn't it? Shouldn't it be? And I've learned one thing about myself this year:
I'm a hypocrite who drowns in her fears.
My greatest fears have come to light in the last few months, the darkest parts of my mind and my heart. The darkest things of my childhood have reared their ugly heads once again. The pain, insecurity, alienation, inhumanity of myself. Yes, I said "inhumanity". What is the determining factor of one's humanity? Is it acceptance by other humans, to have breath and beating hearts, to feel love and all the emotions animals cannot? Is it our ability to trust, to have faith? What makes one human?
These questions drown me. I feel such doubt, insecurity, and hatred in my "humanity". Yet, I'm not animal, and I cannot yet be spirit (for I still have a physical body). So what am I supposed to be?
How can one overcome their fears when there is no one who is willing to help them? When there's no one who understands? People all too often look at these problems from a Humanist standpoint, where there is only the physical. I can assure you, I've passed every mental examination thrown at me with flying colors (and where did that saying come from?). Or, I get the Pastoral answer of "You're just not reading your Bible enough", "Have you thought about medication? Are you certain of your salvation?", or "Maybe you should see a psychiatrist or counselor"... and the cycle starts all over again. Well, I've got news for you church folk, I am ABSOLUTELY certain of my salvation. God is my father, friend, mentor, and has ALWAYS been there for me, no matter how far I've sunk.
"So why are you still so afraid, so insecure and uncertain, so hurt?" I ask myself the same question, over and over, and I get nowhere. There is much still hidden, much I cannot remember, that have left deep wounds. There is much still unresolved from my past, and I still have many fears I must tackle. Maybe, when I have resolved some of these fears, I will post here again, with a new-found perspective. Until then.
