A Touch of Trust

What is faith?

Is it merely letting go, and letting God? Or is it trust in something we can't see, feel, or hear, that might not be there?

As I walk in the wilderness, pondering the paths of my heart and mind, wondering where it all is leading, I sometimes lose sight of what matters. I'm not the only one. To doubt, to err, to question, is human. It's not a bad thing, this wandering.

A friend and mentor of mine once told me, as I was telling him of my wilderness, "It's not a bad place to be". Of course, my first reaction was, "What do you know? I'm so freaking lost". I didn't understand, I didn't trust his wisdom, and I was quickly losing faith in every one and every thing. I was focused on nothing, and everything. Shifting that focus from myself, to the problems around me, back to myself, then letting the numb settle in.

It would seem even this has a root in fear, because when it came right down to it, I was doing this all in fear of pain. Am still doing this all in fear of pain.

Yet this small voice constantly rings out... Trust me.

Is it really that simple? Is this the root of faith; the thing I've been lacking this whole time, causing me to squander my hope, and bury my emotion? Something so simple for something so complicated... it seems absurd. I want to, dearly want to, but fear won't allow it.

Trust me.

That is faith, isn't it? Whether it's in God, or a friend, it's as simple as a touch of trust, and a shift of focus. It is refocusing on what your circumstances are shaping you into, and trusting God and those around you to keep you moving forward.

This is a test we all face... sometimes weekly. We have to have a touch of trust, lest we turn ourselves into hermits. It is not something inherited, nor something necessarily gained from experience. Experience builds your intuition, shapes your body, brings knowledge or understanding... but it won't always build trust. Trust begins in the heart. That deep place just beyond your mind, where emotions swirl in a tempest, and ties connect. Trust is built when you quiet that place, release pent up emotion, examine the ties between you and people and events, and cut the ties that bind you to harmful things. Of course, that's only a start.

From there, you must slowly reintegrate back into the relationships you pulled away from. Especially those that encouraged you, like friends and family. Then, the hardest step: slowly open up to them. Hiding does not build trust, it only damages you and the ones who love you. From here you will grow stronger. There's always going to be fall-outs, pain, loss of trust; but you must not be afraid to face that. Learn from all you go through. Be merciful, honorable, trustworthy, forgiving, yet wise, strong, stable, and teachable.

It is a hard task, to trust. But it is a step in the right direction.

Inhumanity

One month into the new year.  It's a rocky start, it always is.  The journey is always rocky, rough, painful, and exhausting.  But it's for the good, for the joyful outcome, isn't it?  Shouldn't it be?  And I've learned one thing about myself this year:
   I'm a hypocrite who drowns in her fears.

My greatest fears have come to light in the last few months, the darkest parts of my mind and my heart.  The darkest things of my childhood have reared their ugly heads once again.  The pain, insecurity, alienation, inhumanity of myself.  Yes, I said "inhumanity".  What is the determining factor of one's humanity?  Is it acceptance by other humans, to have breath and beating hearts, to feel love and all the emotions animals cannot?  Is it our ability to trust, to have faith?  What makes one human?

These questions drown me.  I feel such doubt, insecurity, and hatred in my "humanity".  Yet, I'm not animal, and I cannot yet be spirit (for I still have a physical body).  So what am I supposed to be?


How can one overcome their fears when there is no one who is willing to help them?  When there's no one who understands?  People all too often look at these problems from a Humanist standpoint, where there is only the physical.  I can assure you, I've passed every mental examination thrown at me with flying colors (and where did that saying come from?).  Or, I get the Pastoral answer of "You're just not reading your Bible enough", "Have you thought about medication? Are you certain of your salvation?", or "Maybe you should see a psychiatrist or counselor"... and the cycle starts all over again.  Well, I've got news for you church folk, I am ABSOLUTELY certain of my salvation.  God is my father, friend, mentor, and has ALWAYS been there for me, no matter how far I've sunk.

"So why are you still so afraid, so insecure and uncertain, so hurt?"  I ask myself the same question, over and over, and I get nowhere.  There is much still hidden, much I cannot remember, that have left deep wounds.  There is much still unresolved from my past, and I still have many fears I must tackle.  Maybe, when I have resolved some of these fears, I will post here again, with a new-found perspective.  Until then.