The Self

Okay, so, probably expecting something more on the last post.  I don't have anything.  I've got something different this time.

The Self.

How often do we fear ourselves?  Do we fear the decisions we make?  How often do we allow our minds to belittle ourselves, and then believe it?  This is where this fear lies.  Some people would call it low self-esteem.  A lot of this ties in with bullying and the aftermath.  Let's look at what self-esteem is.

Self-esteem: n.- a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.

How does this fit?  When we begin to doubt ourselves, to fear ourselves, we lose our self-respect... and if this goes on for a long period of time, it leads to a deeper fear, you'll begin to fear other things.  This can lead to suicide, depression, general insecurity, and sometimes even physical illness.  It's an unending chain that leads either to death, or just darker places and greater fear, unless you do something about it.

How does one fear himself?  It's really more of a deep-seated doubt of one's own abilities, but when you get right down to it, doubt is a type of fear.  Hmm... how to explain this.  Ah, okay:  the last time I entered a talent show, I was about 8 or 9, I sang "Stand" by Rebecca St. James.  I nearly froze before it was time to go on stage.  I had practiced for weeks, but I really doubted I was any good, and I began to fear my peers and the judges.  Long story short, I made the judges and half the parents in the room cry and give a standing ovation because of the patriotic message of the song, but I didn't even place... I was the last one to be called up to receive a "participant" ribbon, and by that time I was already waiting in the car, crying.  I almost stopped singing for a while, I feared that I was so terrible that a bad clap-and-dance routine of a Britney Spears song could place first, and I barely got a "participant" ribbon.  And that doubt, that fear, only got worse when the pee-wee football team captain and his friends beat me up because I was singing around the playground.

There's other ways one can fear himself, these ones more obvious.  For example: someone is bi-polar or has a split personality, and at some point realizes what is going on, but it's only after he's hurt someone.  After he's hurt someone, emotionally or physically, he may cry, maybe hide or lock himself in a room, because he's afraid of being hated or afraid that he may at any moment hurt them again.

 Much of the time, this fear is subtle.  It can start as a question, turn into doubt, then anxiety, and then bloom like a Rafflesia (only it will stay there unless you deal with it).  And like the Rafflesia, it can be hard to find until it has already bloomed, and then you don't have long.  Fear and doubt are things that you must deal with quickly, else they will become something much more difficult to overcome.  One thing you must not do is build walls around you.  This is not something one can deal with on their own, and it will only get worse if you wall yourself up away from people.