When You're Shaken and Running

    We all run from things in our life. We all fear circumstances, or the inevitability of downfall. Few of us trust, and if we do, we do so with much trepidation. Our society has taught us to fear. Our circumstances, memories, and present affairs teach us to trust no one. We're a people controlled by fear, from the highest authorities, down to each individual decision.

     But the minute, smallest, individual decisions, and even the big ones, are what really drives us. Sometimes in the right direction, but many times to our destruction.

     Who we choose to trust. Who we love. What we dream, or goals we set; our achievements, or just wherever in the workforce we end up. What information we trust our loved ones with, if any at all. We all struggle with these decisions, and why?

    Fear. Our enemy, and the thing we've come to hold closest to our hearts. It binds us, controls us, like puppets. Marionettes hung from the hands of a dark shadow. Because of it, we run away from our callings rather than running TO them. It tells us that our talents will never provide for our needs. That the people we care about might not care for us. It brings up traumas from our past and tells us "He'll only do the same to you as that last person".

    Worst of all: It freezes our faith. Puts us in a cryogenic state where we're alive, but can't do anything. We can't trust people, we can't let God be God, we can't move forward or backward. And it pushes us to make stupid decisions that pull us farther from everyone and everything we care for.

     I've spent my time running, shaken, fearful of everything I loved. I barely had the courage to give the message to the ones I was supposed to. And when one man told me that I had no faith because I didn't go to Seminary, and therefore no right to speak, I was not only kicked out of that youth group, but I ran away from my friends, and the one person I really loved.

     It's been over a year. I still seem to run, because I'm afraid. I need to go back, I must go back, and finish what I needed to do in the first place. I fear what they think of me, all those I left behind. Do they feel betrayed? Most importantly, does he feel betrayed? He's the one I ran from most. I run from love more than anything, especially now. I'm afraid. That's all I can keep saying, because I know nothing else to do. I hurt him, more than anyone there. And now I want to make things right.

  But, of course, fear is preventing such action.

    Why is it that fear seems the most comforting thing when we're shaken and running? Is it that we don't have to take action when we confide in fear? Is it just a good excuse, or a terrible roadblock? Does it make things clearer, or only create a warped perception of what's really going on?

     So what will it take to break away from this "comfort" zone? It's so easy to fall back into. It starts when you finally LISTEN to the encouragement your friends bestow. That may be the hardest thing for many of us to do. I know it is for me. But this is where you need to start, where I need to start. From here, it's rocky. Fear does not like to let you go. It's always a struggle, but it's one you MUST win, or forever hold your unrest.

A Touch of Trust

What is faith?

Is it merely letting go, and letting God? Or is it trust in something we can't see, feel, or hear, that might not be there?

As I walk in the wilderness, pondering the paths of my heart and mind, wondering where it all is leading, I sometimes lose sight of what matters. I'm not the only one. To doubt, to err, to question, is human. It's not a bad thing, this wandering.

A friend and mentor of mine once told me, as I was telling him of my wilderness, "It's not a bad place to be". Of course, my first reaction was, "What do you know? I'm so freaking lost". I didn't understand, I didn't trust his wisdom, and I was quickly losing faith in every one and every thing. I was focused on nothing, and everything. Shifting that focus from myself, to the problems around me, back to myself, then letting the numb settle in.

It would seem even this has a root in fear, because when it came right down to it, I was doing this all in fear of pain. Am still doing this all in fear of pain.

Yet this small voice constantly rings out... Trust me.

Is it really that simple? Is this the root of faith; the thing I've been lacking this whole time, causing me to squander my hope, and bury my emotion? Something so simple for something so complicated... it seems absurd. I want to, dearly want to, but fear won't allow it.

Trust me.

That is faith, isn't it? Whether it's in God, or a friend, it's as simple as a touch of trust, and a shift of focus. It is refocusing on what your circumstances are shaping you into, and trusting God and those around you to keep you moving forward.

This is a test we all face... sometimes weekly. We have to have a touch of trust, lest we turn ourselves into hermits. It is not something inherited, nor something necessarily gained from experience. Experience builds your intuition, shapes your body, brings knowledge or understanding... but it won't always build trust. Trust begins in the heart. That deep place just beyond your mind, where emotions swirl in a tempest, and ties connect. Trust is built when you quiet that place, release pent up emotion, examine the ties between you and people and events, and cut the ties that bind you to harmful things. Of course, that's only a start.

From there, you must slowly reintegrate back into the relationships you pulled away from. Especially those that encouraged you, like friends and family. Then, the hardest step: slowly open up to them. Hiding does not build trust, it only damages you and the ones who love you. From here you will grow stronger. There's always going to be fall-outs, pain, loss of trust; but you must not be afraid to face that. Learn from all you go through. Be merciful, honorable, trustworthy, forgiving, yet wise, strong, stable, and teachable.

It is a hard task, to trust. But it is a step in the right direction.